By: MuMu

我想说我的情绪很不好，好的时候也不会想起来写东西，就像没良心的我总是只在不爽的时候才会思念家乡父老。

很不靠谱的我在赵女人登机前一个小时才将载有double问候的黑熊托付给她老人家，外带捆了一个很不靠谱的模糊地址，搞得她老人家在那个陌生城市转悠半天依旧没有找到一丝线索，后来无奈去renren索要来精确电话终于顺利完成任务。lq同学在renren发了回信尽管各种不顺利但是还有对未来灿烂的期待，我跟朱姐姐说为啥自己每天辛辛苦苦折腾来折腾去回过头来看折腾的都是自己不喜欢的事情何苦来哉，可是悲剧如我随着阅历增长渐渐发现自己无药可救的劣根本质竟也是一副做了什么就发现不喜欢什么的贱骨头。这样一来就越发忧伤了，于是不说话拒绝各种电话，是的，我又倔了。

端午节在家窝着很爽，半夜到家还有绿骨鱼吃，老爹老娘浓的化不开的爱让我很是留恋。中间有众朋携众家属自远方来，举家不亦乐乎，我想这样的一群人能齐聚一起度过三天一辈子也就这一次了吧。弟弟十三岁了，在家的时候老娘唠叨说你十三岁的时候把你扔出去住校了，谁知道这一走就再也回不来了。于是我又忧伤了。

更为现实的是未来的各种不确定，让一向“随性惯了”的我很慌张，我不喜欢这样。还有严肃师兄明日返京让我又一次为自己的碌碌无为而焦躁不安。

AI-generated translation.

What I want to say is that my mood has been terrible. When I’m doing well, I never think to write anything. Just like my ungrateful self only ever misses the folks back home when I’m unhappy.

My unreliable self didn’t hand Zhao Nüren the black bear carrying double greetings until just one hour before her flight. On top of that, I tied on an equally unreliable vague address, which left her wandering around that unfamiliar city for ages without finding a single clue. In the end she had no choice but to ask for the exact phone number on Renren, and only then was the mission completed successfully. Classmate LQ replied on Renren that despite all the setbacks, there was still bright hope for the future. I told Sister Zhu that I really didn’t understand why I work so hard and toss myself around every day, only to realize that what I’ve been tossing myself around over are all things I don’t even like. What’s the point? But tragic person that I am, as I gain more experience, I’m gradually discovering that my incurable bad root nature is precisely this cheap-boned tendency to find out I dislike whatever it is right after I’ve done it. And that only makes me more miserable. So I stopped talking and refused all phone calls. Yes, I got stubborn again.

It felt wonderful to laze around at home during the Dragon Boat Festival. I even got greenbone fish to eat when I arrived in the middle of the night, and the thick, overflowing love from my parents made me deeply reluctant to leave. In the middle of it all, many friends arrived from afar with their families, and the whole household had a grand time. I think a group like that gathering together for three days is probably something that only happens once in a lifetime. My younger brother is thirteen now. While I was home, my mom kept saying, “When you were thirteen, we threw you out to boarding school, and who knew that once you left, you’d never really come back.” So then I got sad again.

Even more real are all the uncertainties of the future. They make someone like me, who has always been “used to living casually,” feel panicked. I don’t like that. And with serious senior brother returning to Beijing tomorrow, I’m once again restless and anxious about my own utter lack of accomplishment.